Wow…

Wow, I haven’t written here in so long!
the last time I wrote I was just beginning uni, well now i’m just into my second semester.
so what has changed?
I’m working at jenolan caves and also looking at working for NADO if I can.
I am also recently engaged to my beautiful Wade and very very happy.

Today has been such a good day.
I woke up and the air was crisp and cold, and i felt so nostalgic.
it was beautiful.
I really felt autumn.
I drove out to Jenolan and had such a lovely time.
I missed that drive, I haven’t done it in over a month, so it was so lovely to be back.

And now I get to spend a night out here, enjoying the beauty of God’s creation…

I feel so…. peaceful.
*ahhhhhhhh*

I wrote a song yesterday

It has been a stressful week.
I had Uni orientation and timetable organisation.
then i lost my job because of uni.
and then we discovered my pet rat is sickly.

I wrote a song, it might come across sad, but its actually a really upbeat song, maybe a bit repetitive. in the musical side.
but my heart needed a distraction and this song just flowed.

There’s a place that i’ve called Home all my life
there’s a room in that home where you stole my heart
and i swear that i thought we’d never part
but since i’m wrong and you’re gone out of my life…

well maybe there’s something you just might be missing
maybe you cannot hear this song that i’m singing
but it comes from my heart
and no other part
but maybe there’s something you just might be missing of me

There’s a place we would go every night
there we’d sit on the grass, kiss for a while
then we’d lay back and look up at the stars
how i miss those strong arms holding me tight

but maybe there’s something you just might be missing
maybe you cannot heas this song that i’m singing
but it comes from my heart
and no other part
but maybe there’s something you just might be missing of me.

maybe there is a dream inside my heart
maybe i’m hoping for another guy
to be close to me
for eternity
but until then i’m keeping singing this song, for me.

“student activists”

I am not a fan of the catholic church.
to be honest i’m not a fan of the church at all. not the politics, not the slander, not the hypocracy.
but i respect that it is each individual’s choice to decide who or what they believe in.
I respect that some of these pilgrims have come from the other side of the planet to celebrate this week.
I respect that although i may not share their enthusiasm and identical faith, this is their week to praise and worship, the way they want to.
what i don’t respect is these activists and protesters who are out there rattling cages and handing out condoms and being smart asses just to stir up the crowds.
have you nothing better to do with your time?
no one disrespects you for not believing or believing something else, what we disrespect you for is your lack of respect.
i understand that some people are legitimately annoyed and frustrated by the inconveniences presented by an extra couple hundred thousand of lost visitors stumbling thru the city.
however, there are appropriate ways of dealing with it.
and i think being a pain in the ass isn’t one of them.

in particular i think of the two “student activists” who were permitted to be “annoying” in sydney and made the front page of the paper and headlines of the 6 and 7pm news.

I don’t care if you are against catholicism, you are just being stupid by surrounding yourselves with pilgrims then trying to give them condoms and spread the word about HIV/Aids.

if anyone got anything out of it, i hope you got frustration and humiliation, because what i saw on the news was at least 20 pilgrims pointing and yelling at you, telling you to grow up and respect other people.

all i can figure to be as logic behind this…these activists weren’t very pretty…maybe if someone would give them some, they might find a better use of their time, rather than harrassing tourists on a pilgrimage.
maybe next time i’ll protest their court case…dressed as a giant condom, and i’ll suggest they wear one, keeping the mess they cause inside..

Drama – Does not like disrespect!

Chronic Fatigue

I have been suffering chronic fatigue for the past four years.
I am pretty good at hiding it most of the time.
but it is really hard sometimes.
today is one of the days when it is hard.
today i am going to a new place to start a new thing, which i’m totally excited about.
however, i’m also completely anxious.
i’m not comfortable going to a new place, being surrounded by new people, on my own.
its hard and scary and i feel like the stress of my anxiety is like the world crashing in on me.
its something so silly and small. I’m going to uni for course advisement.
but i’m really scared and anxious…why is it so hard?
and this is why they call me drama….

Where in the world?

As an individual, I have the personal opinion that Honesty is incredibly important.
I try to be honest with everyone. It isn’t always pleasant, but it is real.
what i’m wondering is, where in the world has honesty gone?
I remember at school many, many years ago, the saying pleted so forcefully into my head
“honesty is the best policy”
when they taught me that, honestly i thought….what a load of crap. who really cares?
and through my angsty teenage life (though admittedly it continues for another three months) I struggled through depression and became a brilliant liar…that also continues to this day.
but when and where I can be honest, i always will be.
how can anyone expect to form true and real relationships if people can’t be honest!?
and when I say relationships, i don’t mean boyfriend girlfriend, though that is included in it, i mean all relationships. the relationship between my brother and I, my sister and I, my mum, my dad, my best friend alexis and I. My classmates, my teachers, my church friends.
what relationship am I building with ANY of them if there is no honesty?
If you ask me a question, I will give you an honest answer…
so a warning, if you ask me something I’ll answer honestly…unless i’m lying, but you wont know

I am just wondering what has happened in this world to make honesty lose its worth and value?
if anyone knows, please fill me in.

so honestly, I am a girl, I am 19 years old, I like to laugh and I can be very emotional.
But I am me, and I wont hide that from anyone.
If I have to hide who I am…there must be something really wrong with me.

Decisions

It has come to my attention that I want to be a teacher.
But I can’t decided when i actually want to go to University to learn….
whether I should do part time/full time/distance education/where I should study/if i should even bother/would i have the discipline to actually go.
sigh.
I don’t know what to do or think!
Do I want to apply to start in July?
or should i wait for another 6 months?
or should i wait for never?
I think I really should do this….
and this is really me trying to talk myself into it
but i still can’t seem to decide.
maybe i should talk to the rents about it….hmmmm.
oh well.
any advice or thoughts, throw my way….
xo
Ans

the memory of you

noooooooooooo! I just lost almost a whole post!
oh well, i’ll start again.

I know I’ve been writing here alot recently, I guess I have alot to say at the moment. And I spose I also feel invited to write again (Thanks Iain.)

I bought a chest of drawers this week to help contain the copious number of garments I have collected in recent times.

as I rearranged and cleaned my room I came across a bag of things that were from or of “him”
It was a sharp shock in a rather peaceful day.
It didn’t mean much, but I found myself saying out loud that “I never want to hear form you again” not to sound spiteful or anything, I have just progressed far enough in my life that I don’t need that security of knowing you anymore.

so as I lay Exhausted and drained in bed last night, the poetry and prose came to me and I couldn’t sleep until I penned the words down…

I was cleaning in my room today, when I found memories of me and you
Hidden in the pages that I’d long removed
And it took me by surprise to think that thee was something more to you than lies or pride.
And that I once saw in you something worth my while.
bu days and months and years have come between
what I once considered to be everything

But now it’s gone and for a while I wasn’t sure if I’d survive without you by my side
I don’t intend to sound spiteful or malicious but in the end i’m happy now you’re gone.

As I filtered through the pages, our memories flooded back to my mind
us at the beach, lost in a city, holding hands in a movie and screaming endless fights
And I ignored back then the urge to burn it all, to remove our memrobilia for once and for all
I wish I’d had the courage to call you up and tell you
But days and months and years have come between, now i’ve lost the energy to make a full blown scene

Coz now it’s gone
And for a while I wasn’t sure if I’d survive without you by my side
and i don’t intend to sound spiteful or malicious but in the end i’m happy now you’re gone.

And I wish, how I wish I had the nerve to say
I’d call you up and ask you in an anna polite way
I’d say you were once a part of my life
that was enough, now i’ve had enough
would you be kind enough to stay away
best of luck
but don’t call me
don’t talk to me
don’t write me
and most of all don’t pretend you were the victim.
in the end….

oh the memory of you

Someone Amazing

I was reading a friend’s blog just now. it was an old post that i tried to read a while ago, but was unwittingly interupted and only just managed to return to finish it.
It’s ironic.
I was in a mood to write of my teen angst (as i’m so very good at that)
but i was reading this post.
this amazing post which was drowning in love and passion and dreams and hope.
an overwhelming sense of hope came over me.
So while I sit here in my little reality bubble thinking about how I have finally found some clarity and direction in my professional life, yet feel so incomplete, there is hope.

Who would have EVER guessed i’d end up where i am at the moment?
changing nappies, spoon feeding people. and loving it?
and yet…there’s something missing in my life.

I know this is where many of my christian friends will challenge me and suggest that God isn’t in my life enough if i feel that something’s missing.

but I am confident that he is, and i know what i’m feeling is the longing for someone here on earth, and he wouldn’t be disappointed in me for that!

I am also sure that my time is near, very near.

I am a passionate person. sometimes my passion is so intense, i feel like i might just explode, because i can’t hold it in, its those times that i take photos of the beauty i see, or i HAVE to share with someone the randomness of the world, the beauty that i see that compells me to live, to breathe to smile each day, and to live to make others laugh.
the thing that convinces me that this life, this world isn’t hopeless.

there is always hope.

some find it in the sunrise.
some in the words of a friend
some might find it while they lie in their bed
and some out on the sea.

we find it all in different places. we’re all different, but we all have hope.

John Mayer has infiltrated my life
his music inspires me.
his words fill me.
his melodies have me enraptured
his emotions have me completely captured….

yes i’m grounded,
got my wings clipped,
i’m surrounded by all this pavement,
guess i’ll circle while i’m waiting for my fuse to dry…
someday i’ll fly,
someday i’ll soar,
someday i’ll be so damn much more,
coz i’m bigger than my body gives me credit for

and

we’re going down, and you can see it too
we’re going down, and you know that we’re doomed my dear
we’re slow dancing in a burning room
i was the one you always dreamed of
you were the one i tried to draw
how dare you say its nothing to me?
baby you’re the only light i think i ever saw…
i make the most of all the sadness,
you’ll be a bitch because you can
you tried to hit me just to hurt me
and you leave me feeling dirty coz you can’t understand
we’re going down

and one more

didn’t have a camera by my side this time
hoping i would see the world thru both my eyes
maybe i will tell you all about it when i’m in the mood to lose my way
but let me say, you should have seen that sunrise
with your own eyes
it brought me back to life

how me is that?

sunrises.

i manage to capture them so beautifully on my cameras.

i just wish i had someone to share them with.
but i will soon.
i just know it

because I have hope.

thanks to you.

I Love My Dad

This has been a tumultuous year.
Scary, challenging, exhausting, fun, exciting, and in true Tyrrell style, never dull.
But of all the things that this year has comprised of, the biggest and most obvious has been learning.
Learning about myself, about others, about trust and expectations, about life, and about family.
I learnt that my dreams might not come true, as much as i want them, but learning to deal with that is so much more rewarding than having everything work perfectly.
Before I went away, I didn’t really have a releationship with my Dad.
and the little interaction we had was mostly yelling and fighting.
I remember before I flew we had a massive argument, one of the last things I said was, I can’t wait to get away from you, and he said he couldn’t wait for me to leave.
It’s amazing that my dreams were shattered and the only thing I could hope for was a hug from my dad.
It took tragedy to connect with him.
And in the past 9 months we have become so close.
He was my teacher at tafe and my mentor at the caves.
he became a close friend.
Why is it that we have to hit tragedy before we can appreciate what we have?
I often complain about my life and not having enough, or not having what i want.
But I have been blessed with a great family, some great friends, and with trouble (yes trouble is a blessing).
But the biggest thing I have learnt is that I Love My Dad.

when the day is done

Well, Christmas really is just around the corner, and the same angst and prejudice that has haunted this special day over the past 18 years has returned to visit me again, for what i’m hoping will be my last christmas as an angsty teen.
Growing up i despised christmas.
Sure I appreciated that chistmas isn’t about me but about God, but there was all this fuss about christmas and how it should be celebrated as a family in a family, with those you love.
Well, My sister was off with her Boyfriend, my brother with his girlfriend, mum with dad and anna with…wait, who was anna with?
she was with her stuffed toys and unwrapped christmas presents, all alone either watching movies or trying not to cry in her bedroom…
over the years that has dissipated slightly, but i still feel the pangs of loneliness at christmas.
christmas has never been one of my favourite days.
i’m praying that this year will be better.
over recent years i’ve made it a mission to invite friends over to share our family meal.
now i have two GORGEOUS nephews, but i sometimes feel like i am just their babysitter. don’t get me wrong i love them both very much, but to spend most of the family time talking with them can be….depressing.
Now, i’ve had a dignified whinge its time for me to search for a positive….well i guess, it can’t go on forever…
And someday i’ll have my own family and i’ll be able to shape christmas in a way i want for my kids.
If anyone in my family is reading this, please do not feel attacked or hurt, i love you. but you all know i hate being alone.
me being alone is like vegemite on toast without butter….liveable, but there’s something missing…
i’m sure i will find whatever it is that is missing and then i’ll smile.
lovin u
spans