Trust in the age of “the instant”

Trust.

What a loaded word.

What a complex subject.

Now it’s important to contextualise this trust. I’m not talking about your common variety, daily ins and outs. Yes I trust that the sun will rise. I trust that the train will be on time. But that’s not the trust I’m talking about.

I mean in those big moments. The hard moments. When everything is upside down, colour is drained from your world and the hope for tomorrow is all but gone.  Those moments, when in our current climate and culture, we’ve come to know and expect “the instant”. The instant fix. The instant response. The instant answer. The instant understanding. But that’s not the way we were designed. We were called to Trust.

Trust in the divine. That unfailing reassurance that when all is said and done, there is someone greater than ourselves, working for our good.

It can feel like an impossibility in those moments of loss, pain, suffering, turmoil and despair. In those moments it’s easy to wonder “What good could possibly come from this? How can I possibly be healed or become whole again?”

In those moments, that is when you need to Trust.

What even IS Trust? How do I know if I am Trusting?

Now, I am the worst at this. I am a child of this generation – of instant gratification. Patience has never been one of my strengths. But Despair has been almost constant  for the last 4 years or so. And Trust… don’t even get me started. Oh, wait…

Through a series of events, this challenging season of my life has been seemingly impossible to navigate. There were more times than I’d like to admit which had me longing to be at home with my heavenly Father. To end the horrible pain and to be in His arms forever.

But I’m still here. And I’m glad of that. Not just because I have a kid who relies on me, but because I’ve run the race. I’ve survived the moment and am learning to Trust in God’s plan for the bigger picture. In the same way that a toddler learns to walk, I’m learning what Trust is and how to do it.

The secret of Trust is very simple:

• Give it to God.

But Annelise, I’ve heard this before and I am giving it to God, but it’s not working.

I’m going to give you another very simple response:

• If it’s not working, you’re not really giving it to God.

My challenging season included losing a child, being blessed with another, the breaking of my marriage and a bunch of other little things which began to define my very existence.

The same time that this season started, God started throwing a passage at me, from every which way. A passage that I’m all too familiar with.

‘Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight.’ Proverbs 3:5-6

It would pop up everywhere. Church. Work. Random links on Facebook. Songs on the radio. Conferences. Conversations. Calendars. Notebooks. Devotionals. Verse of the Day. Bible App. Murals.

It started as a subconscious presence. But it didn’t take long for me to notice that this verse seemed to be getting a WHOLE lot more air time than all the others.

God was calling me to Trust.

When we lost our first pregnancy, I couldn’t let go. I had to cling to that grief. It’s better to hurt than feel nothing… right? I was a bitter person. Those six months were the longest of my life. I’m sure I physically aged 5 years in that 6 month period. Then God’s calm came over me.

“I’ve got this. Trust me.”

And I did.

It wasn’t long at all until God delivered me.

We had Ted, my husband found himself without a job and our income suddenly vanished. God again:

“I’ve got this. Trust me.”

And I did.

God delivered me again.

Things were going really bad at home and the only path forward was one that would rip my family apart. God’s voice:

“I’ve got this. Trust me.”

And I did.

He delivered me again.

Things were on the mend but life felt off-balance.

“I’ve got this. Trust me.”

And I did.

God delivered.

 

Now, I’m not for one minute saying that I have all the answers on Trust. Life is subjective. We are all different. I’m definitely a heart person. But in my experience, I knew when I was Trusting in God – not going through the motions, saying the right words and clinging to my desire for control – but actually, truly, deeply Trusting God.

I knew when I was really Trusting because my worry evaporated in an instant. The weight disappeared. There was no doubt or question. God’s answer/response/timing wasn’t instantaneous, but his calming influence was. It almost felt like I was in a bubble, shielded from the splash back of doubt, the “realistic” concerns from those around me (which I know were very well intentioned). But they just didn’t get it. Their realistic responses could never match the voice of God and His clarity over my life. All because of Trust.

Some might describe Trust as taking a ‘leap of faith’. In the past 10 weeks alone, I’ve lost count of how many big things I’ve just jumped into – but they’ve all turned out all right and every time God was there saying “I’ve got this. Trust me.”

So what is the point of this blog post?

Well, I hope it can help someone. Maybe you’re lost, wandering in a cloud of confusion or hurt. Maybe grief is consuming you. Maybe, like me, the colour had drained from your world and tomorrow was just an endless pursuit of more of the same mundane. Maybe nothing seems worth it anymore. I don’t know all of your story. But I do know this:

You are loved by one much greater than yourself and through all of your confusion, hurt, pain, suffering and questioning why, he is there and has our ‘good’ in his works.

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28

Remember. You are Loved. God is good and He works for our good.

A

xo

 

Some final words of advice, from experience:

• God’s working for your good, doesn’t always mean working for what YOU think is good.
• God’s timing may be very different to yours.
• God has a bird’s eye view of the big picture
• The saying “everything happens for a reason” might very well be true, but it’s not always a comfort.

 

 

 

2013: reflecting

2013 has been both the best and worst year of my life (so far). Teaching for the first time, working full time, really connecting with my church. These are all wonderful highlights in the sparkly “best” category.

On the opposite scale, this year Wade and I travelled the journey of loss of pregnancy.
In August I underwent emergency surgery to remove my right Fallopian tube. Our first ever pregnancy, but the baby was growing in the wrong spot. For all the medicine in the world there is still no way to propagate a baby that attaches itself to the wrong wall. If you don’t know much about ectopic pregnancy, you can read about itHERE.

When it was discovered, I was in the late stages (7 or 8 weeks) of an ectopic pregnancy. To the point of impending Fallopian tube rupture, resulting in rapid internal bleeding, loss of blood, then death.

The sad thing about ectopics is that the baby cannot and will not survive. The scary thing is that they can be difficult to detect and very much life threatening to the carrier.

It’s been four months since this pain, loss and grief rocked my happy world. The real reason I wanted to share my story was to reflect on what I’ve learnt about myself and God’s faithfulness through this mess.

I am still working on emotional healing. I thought I had it all sorted but Christmas has forced me to re-evaluate. Here’s what I have learnt;

Firstly, losing a baby is HEARTBREAKING. My entire life I have dreamed of the children I would have. Wade and I speak frequently about our future family. But losing a part of that before it even started is devastating. It took almost a week before anyone told me that I was allowed to be upset (thanks Roschelle, I really appreciate it).

Secondly, questioning why, isn’t helpful. There will never be a conclusive answer. As a Christian especially, questioning God’s motives is super unhelpful. This can be a challenge when you are in pain and suffering and mourning. If this is a challenging concept, the book of Job is especially helpful…

Third, answers can come from horrible circumstances. About three months before my loss, a doctor suggested that I was infertile. Well, now we know that we’re not! (Thanks for answering that one for us, JC).

Fourth, grief can really affect you and your work, and you won’t know just how much until you get to Christmas holidays and the world slows down and all those blessed parents ceaselessly share photos of their child’s first Christmas on Facebook, while you sit there and mourn your loss in silent solitude. (Honestly, happy for you all, I know how babies change your world…possibly better than some mothers out there. But honestly, photos of baby enjoying eating their teddy bear that grandpa bought them for Christmas is just another reminder of the baby I never got to hold).

Fourth #2 social media and endless connectivity are not always helpful. (See above)

Fourth #3 it’s totally normal to not want to see babies after losing one.

Fifth, there is no peace quite like the peace God shares with you when you call to him in your deepest need. In moments of need, God’s word speaks louder than thunder.

Sixth, the world, your friends, your family will all forget about your loss, your pain and your grief. That doesn’t make them bad people or bad friends. They will grieve with you, but they will move on. You will carry the scars forever. You will feel the residual pain, physically, for months. Emotionally, for years. But find comfort that God is with you. He feels with you and he is with you, even in the blackest night and the longest day.

Seventh, anger is not a productive emotion. Grief is far more cathartic and easier soothed.

Eighth, thankfulness through loss is an exhausting journey, but it can be reached. I am thankful for this experience. I am thankful for the call to maturity, to faith, to understanding loss, to understanding the immense blessing of children, to our excellent medicine. I am thankful for my life, which I very well may have lost. This last one is above all the most challenging. How do you reconcile yourself to thankfulness of being allowed to keep living at the cost of an unborn child? In my situation, I guess, it is easier, the baby wouldn’t have survived anyway, but being thankful that you have, when it couldn’t… It is a challenging road, but I feel all the more strong for walking/crawling/being dragged along it.

Ninth and finally, Experiencing an ectopic pregnancy has been a terrifying experience. Definitely life changing.
But it has drawn me closer to God and that in itself is worth celebrating.

Each and every day I think of my future. I dream of the day I will have a healthy, natural pregnancy.
I cannot be 100% certain that this day will ever come, just like I could not be 100% certain that my first pregnancy would result in my first child.
I may have another ectopic. I may have five miscarriages. But I pray that my resolve remains the same. That my strength always comes from Christ and that I look to him through all circumstances. Should he bless us with a healthy baby one day, I look forward to celebrating with him. Until then I will remain in his faithfulness, trusting in the knowledge that he is in control, that he has a plan and that it will happen if and when the time is right. But most of all that God is good and shares his goodness with those who love him.

Romans 8:28: And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

Thank you, Jesus.

Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas

Well it’s been a while since I posted, I’ve been working all year on the 2012 Carols in the Caves at Jenolan Caves. I directed this event, for the first time and it went wonderfully!

This clip is me singing (and closing the show) with one of my favourite Christmas songs.

I hope you enjoy and SHARE!

I’ll post again soon.

Annelise
xo

Princess Party Planning

Last weekend my niece celebrated her 3rd birthday with a small, but elegant Princess Party.

My sister was the true party planner. I was just head princess on the day.

What is a princess party without a special sceptre? These fruity fun sticks were a hit!

 

In fact anything in a star shape was a hit!

She tried to keep the food as healthy as possible….

The pretty princess in her princess tent!

Birthday

Today marks my 24th Birthday. Man I’m so old.

I have to be honest with you all, it’s not been one of my best birthdays. In fact it’s really been one of the worst.

Wade was unwell and didn’t get out of bed until after 2pm, the one thing I’d asked for was to go out for brekky, but you know, if your husband’s just going to throw up the breakfast you pay for, it’s probably better to just skip it. But it was a very lonely day. I spent some time this afternoon reading God’s word and talking to God about how low I felt. I had this wacky argument with him and myself in my head. It was nuts.

I was crying out to him, “God I feel so alone, so forgotten, so unloved, why should I feel this way?! It’s my birthday, people should be making me feel super spesh.” 

God responded “You have me, everyday, you have Jesus death, you are never alone, and you are more loved than you can ever understand.” 

I argued back – “But God, my husband can’t even make me feel special on the one day of the year that he should” 

God just said, “Give me your pain, give me your hurt. Don’t hold it against him, don’t make him jump through hoops. forgive, forget, love. Show mercy and grace, be a humble wife, a loving, forgiving, sacrificial wife. Yes you wanted this to be shown today, but maybe you could see this as a lesson in humility. You make horrible mistakes every day, but I forgive you and I love you. Do the same for your husband. This is just one day and what will holding on to the hurt do to help?”

 

Then I cried a little. Poured my heart out to God and then spent some time listening and reflecting through song.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pzGrrrP5VLY

This was the first one I listened to. Restless, by Audrey Assad. A beautiful song that really described my mood.

O speak now, for my soul is listening, say that you have saved me. Whisper in the dark.

Without you I am hopeless.

It seems so silly but my heart was really aching.

Then I moved on to this song. Also by Audrey Assad.

Show me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ao6lAZ1k7tE

This song always gets me.

I feel God saying, yes I have a plan for you, yes you’re hurting, but trust me, love me, have the moment, feel what you feel, then let it go.

Bind up these broken bones, Mercy, bend and breathe me back to life, but not before you show me how to die.

-Die to myself, awaken to love and God and the life he has planned.

 

 

Anyway, my day was crappy, and yes, I did find myself singing “Crappy Birthday, to me” at least once. 

I went off to church and I was still in a pretty craptastic mood. But one of my newest and loveliest friends just silently prayed and I could feel God lightening the burden on my heart. I had a wonderful time at church, and my posse of wonderful friends surprised me with a cake and flowers and a card. It was so special, and God showed me just how loved I really was. When I came home Wade had cooked me a scrumptious roast. 

So I’m feeling much better now.

But yes. Birthdays. 

Maybe I’m old enough to forget about them now?

 

In other news, Wade, his Dad and my parents pitched in and bought me a digital piano.

So maybe I’ll get some sheet music and start playing those songs…

A – 2 dozen!

Anniversary

Today marks the third year of marriage to my wonderful husband, Wade.

Four years ago I flew to Western Australia to meet this guy who I met on a chat site.

When I landed he was hiding from me… yeah, awesome. Thanks buddy.

A year later we got married and now we’re up to 3 years! time flies.

So here is a photo of us on our wedding day

 

This was my 20th birthday at Perth Zoo, just 4 days after meeting wade and knowing we’d be married!

 

A lot of people have weighed in on our relationship, marriage, decisions but Wade and I work. We love each other and we love being married to each other. 

I am so blessed to have found my partner so young. 

I can’t wait to spend the next 50 years with him. To share ups and downs, work, parties, children. To face life with him by my side!

Here’s to many more!

No excuse!

Today my husband took me out to buy my birthday present.

It was a BEAUTIFUL digital piano – a digital grand to be specific. 

Although I haven’t set it up yet (I have taken it out of the box) I can’t wait to start creating some music.

Hopefully it will be beautiful music!

 

Now I really have no excuses not to write!

Breaks.

Obviously I’ve taken a little time off from blogging.

It’s been a crazy couple of weeks, what with my teaching prac and family fun, but I’m back!

So I’m rapidly creeping up on the end of my uni career (for now at least) and I find myself just dreaming of uni being over, rather than actually doing uni work, not that that really seems to matter because I keep passing assessments.

It’s so bizarre, like finishing high school all over again. Wondering what will happen next, where life and God will take me. Remembering that it’s not just me who is to be taken somewhere, but my husband too.

It’s also racing towards Christmas and we’re trying to decide where we will be. My husband moved across the country for me and has spent every Christmas here since. It might just be the year that we skid-addle over there! But that will be my first Christmas without my family. For me, that’s really hard. But at the same time I’m sure it will be wonderful for him. Communication is the key, though sometimes communication is hard to muster….

 

 

And on another note. Usually just after New Years I lead on a Scripture Union Family Mission team out on the coast for a week. I have done this since I was five (I did take 2 years off to get married). But this year my team is taking a break and it’s pretty weird to have that free time. What do I do!?

 

God guide me, please!

 

 

Lessons in Love # 27, 28, 29, 30 & 31

My lessons are coming to an end (well the public ones) while the lessons I’m teaching have come to fruition.

27. I love that my husband knows his likes and dislikes and acts on them accordingly

28. I love that my husband will organise dinner when I am unwell

29. I love that my husband is a marvellous slave helper when I have guests.

30. I love that my husband has ambitions.

31. I love that my husband is a hunk-o-spunk! (particularly in his work clothes ;))

 

Lessons in Love #24, 25, 26

On Friday night my husband and I went for a spontaneous drive to find the snow.

Where we live in Australia it snows about 5 times a year but it doesn’t often settle on the ground, I’d heard through social media that in certain semi-local places snow was settling and Hubby had never seen snow on the ground, so at 10pm we decided to go!

We drove around for almost an hour and a half before we caught a glimpse of even a flurry.

At about midnight we found the snow coming down and settling in Clarence.

We had so much fun and Hubby got to make his first snow man ever! so awesome.

My observations of my husband and his love are as follows;

24. I love that my husband is happy to be crazy and “spur of the moment” sometimes (if it were all the time it would be EXHAUSTING)

25. I love that my husband can release his inner child when appropriate!

26. I love that my husband offered to drive me home so I could rest my poor, tired eyes.

 

 

 

I love you WaeWae